I was raised by my grandmother while my
mother was working at Spur and studying part-time. I came from a disadvantage background,
poverty and limited resources. I lost my mother when I was only seven years old
in 1997. In 1998 I lost my grandmother. At that time death was not
as popular as today. I was lost and hopeless. It was trauma after trauma. My
cousin Ncumisa came to stay with me and my aunty in 1998. I got a new friend,
we were like twins. I also become too close to my father who was also staying
in Durban. He would travel from Durban to Bizana after a week or three weeks or
a month to come see me after my mother and grandmother passed away.
In 2008 I went through the trauma again when my father got sick and pass away, and that time I just completed my matric and looking for a school to study further. I officially become an orphan. I was completely broken again and feeling hopeless. It was too dark in my life I could not understand what was going on.
In 2016 when I just applied for my Master’s degree in internal Auditing at Cput. My cousin Ncumisa got sick. I begged her to fight and not allow what I went through to happen again. I trusted God that He would heal her. I was the one who was telling my family members that she would get better. I really believed that she would get better, until on a Friday afternoon when I got a phone call from home and was told that she passed away. I was in my room at rez (student residence) just got back from work.
I hit a rock bottom. I went home for
her funeral and when I came back I was not myself. I was completely broken
again, I could not put myself together. I lost weight, I lost faith in God. I
couldn't even pray, every time I tried to pray I would break down and cry, I
just did not know what to say to God. I was sad, disappointed and lost hope in
God. Nothing was going well. I then decided to resign at work, I pause my
research, at that time I was still busy with my research proposal, I could not
focus because I was not myself. I packed my bags and went home in November and
came back in January 2017 to start over. What I have learned that time was that
you can die inside in front of everyone and not even one person could notice.
When I came back from home I started over, got a new job and continued with my thesis and
became optimistic again but I lost trust in the lord. My relationship with God
lack faith and it was so bad and it broke me. I could pray but in my prayer
faith was lacking.
Written by Lisa Nqala
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